Buy China Fruit!!!

Another spam posting for today.

These unsolicited commercial messages probably came from loving Russian hands. (I read the other day that Russian spammers now mainly go for stock market tips and pirated software because those are most lucrative fields.)

Sender: laa@lcp2.net
Subject: As for manufacturing illegal liquour, many people were doing that at that time

Message:

CHFR Continues To Expand With 8 New Distributors! UP 9.6%!

China Fruits Corporation
Symbol: CHFR
Price: $0.34 UP 9.6%

CHFR, a Chinese orange supplier who hit the market by storm due to the
devastated US Orange Crops, has now hit the news again with 8 new
distributors for oranges and orange products. This company is HOT, read
the news and get on CHFR first thing Tuesday!

A second later, this strong buy recommendation was reinforced:

Sender: asunc@bredband.net
Subject: Although I appreciate and respect your perspective, I could not possibly disagree with you more.

Picture message (file name of pic is dishonestly.gif - ain't that something):

Come on, everybody: Get on the phone with your stock broker right now and order a bunch of CHFR. Let's make sure that our Russian benefactors earn some serious money.

Vacuous people party

Today's personalized horoscope said:

A big party you are attending tonight might seem tedious and boring, ISELF. If you're single, probably no one there really interests you, and the few possibilities you meet might seem too crazy. If you're involved, your current love partner might not be able to come to this party. Why stay if you're not having fun? Better a video alone than a room full of vacuous people!

Too bad I wasn't invited to that kind of party. In fact, I wasn't invited to any kind of party. But I'd really love to go and take my trusty & proven vacuity tester along (a neat, hand-held model).

And the few possibilities might be too crazy? Hmmm, I'd like to check them out.

Alas, I'll have to settle for the video and use the vacuity tester on it.

Web Noise / Internetrauschen

Neues Spam-Phänomen?

Seit einigen Tagen bekomme ich Spam, der als Reportage über Terroranschläge oder dgl. daherkommt und zum Schluss auf eine Webseite verweist. Heute kam schon von

info_@presse.mdwp.de

das folgende Prachtstück kreativer, wenn auch grammatikalisch und stilistisch nicht ganz hasenreiner Prosa:

Die Berliner U-Bahn Mitarbeiter fanden die Reste eines unbekannten Flugkoerpers.
Interessant findet man auch die Ermittlung von moeglichen Gruenden des Unwohlseins einiger U-Bahn Angestellten. Nach etlichen Inspektionen wurde ein Fremdkoerper gefunden. Wie Wissenschaftler behaupten, koennte der Koerper so gross wie ein Bus sein. Es wurde auch vermutet, er haette seltsame Strahlen aussenden koennen und das wegen rund um dem Rumpf gebildeter "Totzone".
Naeheres dazu unter http://geocities.com/MarkabElsie7932

Die Webseite gibt es nicht. Normalerweise ist ja absolut davon abzuraten, auf Links zu klicken, die in Spam enthalten sind, doch schien mir diese Adresse beim Gratis-Hoster Geocities unverdächtig genug, um es zu auszuprobieren.

Möglicherweise hat Geocities bereits auf Spam-Complaints zu dieser Seite reagiert und sie entfernt.

Insgesamt frage ich mich aber, was diese Art von Spam eigentlich für Ziele verfolgt. Denkbar wären:

• Stören einfach um des Störens willen. Daraus scheinen manche Leute eine ungeheure, wenn auch nicht auf Anhieb nachvollziehbare Befriedigung zu schöpfen.
• Aufmerksamkeitshascherei. Das ist wie bei einem kleinen Kind, das ignoriert wird und sich deshalb durch Danebenbenimm Aufmerksamkeit erzwingt. Allerdings ist die Aufmerksamkeit in diesem Falle ausschließlich anonym. Das ist jammerschade!
  
• Gekicher des Spammers hinter vorgehaltener Hand über den Ärger bzw. die Fragezeichen, den bzw. die seine "Messages" auslösen. Das könnte man in etwa vergleichen mit dem Kunstsammler, der sich an einem gestohlenen Gemälde befriedigt, das er in seinem Keller aufhängt und das niemand sonst zu sehen bekommen darf.
• Web Noise / Internetrauschen. Sowas scheint es tatsächlich zu geben. Allerdings dürfte es wohl, im Gegensatz zum Rauschen beim Funkempfang, nicht durch beiläufige Störungen entstehen. Da braucht es schon einen realen menschlichen Anstoß.
  

Mit Sicherheit lässt sich nur eines sagen: dieses Phänomen wird – wie aller Spam – durch gestörtes Verhalten ausgelöst.

Frauen sind einfach heißblütiger

Ja, Frauen sind einfach heißblütiger als Männer.
Woran man das merkt?
Na, in den Filmen rennen sie immer nahezu unbekleidet herum (siehe Lara Croft, aber auch Xena usw.), selbst im tiefsten Winter, in Lawinen, Schnee und Eiszeiten, während sich ihre männlichen Kollegen immer zutiefst bedeckt halten.

One kind of fascination

One kind of rare
fascination

is the one
of older

poetic ladies
gone bonkers

on younger
male poets –

a mixture
of guruism,

strange new
world discovery,

near suicidal
admiration

and late
eroticism

(Written by iself thinking of Friederike Mayröcker and a certain younger neighborhood poet)

Erfolg als Melker und Trittbrettfahrer

In einem Anzeigenblatt stand es zu lesen:
Spring auf fahrende Züge hinauf,
um finanziell und egozentrisch zu genesen.
So ist der kommerziellen Dinge Lauf:
Imitation zählt zu den Wunderwesen.

Auch zahlt unter Umständen sich aus,
am Euter bekannter Kühe zu melken;
es kommt zwar dünne Milch heraus
und Blumen, die sofort verwelken,
doch springt dabei ein Reibach raus,
und der duftet weit besser als Nelken.

– Felix Morgenstern (© 2007)

Schande oder Ehre oder was?

Heute gelesen (wo und über wen tut nichts zur Sache):

mit Preisen bedachter Literaturkritiker und bekennender Bob-Dylan-Fan

Tja, was sagt man dazu? Dass man ein nicht bekennender und nicht mit Preisen bedachter Irgendwer ist?

Zumindest aber soviel, dass mir bei manchen heute – auch gerade in der Literaturwelt – gängigen Redewendungen und Phrasen nicht nur die Galle, sondern auch der Mageninhalt hochsteigt.

Unbelievable Sir

Money's to be had at the drop of a hat, and spammers are quick to alert anyone to the fact. Today the alert came from Lionello Ramchandra, the best of at least two worlds, so to speak, who hails from laureanosioux@atlanta.com, adding yet other ethnic dimensions.
His heart-warming message:

Unbelievable Sir
Home-owner,
You have been pre-approved for a Home Loan at a Fixed Rate.
This offer is being extended to you unconditionally  and we will work with=
you regardless your credit
http://mortsakjekh.blogspot.com/

To take Advantage of this Limited Time opportunity all
we ask is that you visit our Website and complete
the 1 minute post Approval Form.
http://mortsakjailyuyu.blogspot.com/

Thank for reading.


Endorsement Assistant
http://mortsavinkily.blogspot.com/



My email wastes your time? Oops there

Nice afterthought, that "oops there".

Everybody please visit mortsavinkily.blogsopt.com and flag it.

Yours sincerely,

Unbelievable Sir Home-Owner

Hungarians are afraid of the Pirese

Can this be for real? Xenophobia directed at an ethnic group that doesn't even exist?

According to recent surveys, an increasing number of Hungarians oppose the immigration of Pirese to their country. Never heard of them? The Pirese were invented by a research institute to compare the attitude of Hungarians towards existent minorities - Roma, Germans, Slovaks, Serbs - with their feelings towards a fictitious group. Gusztav Megyesi comments with sarcasm: "Surprisingly, the Pirese are most hated by the left and the prosperous inhabitants of western Hungary. They hate the Pirese mainly because they've never met one. Personal contact would perhaps help to reduce prejudices... Why hasn't a politician come up with the idea of making his career by saving our country from the Pirese? 'I have had all Pirese deported. I am the Hungarian people's best hope. I want to rule,' he could proclaim. And his political opponents wouldn't be able to produce a single Pirese to refute these claims."

(Reported by courrierinternational.com, but also in today's Stuttgarter Nachrichten in an article titled Piresen raus aus Ungarn!)

President Bush in Heaven and Hell

While praying in his private chapel one day, a well-known current Republican head of state is tragically struck by the falling cross and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gate.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “There seems to be a little problem. You see, we seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the ex-head of state.

“Well, as much as I'd like to, I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven. That was my plan even back in Texas,” says the ex-head of state.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the ex-head of state to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush green golf course. In the distance there is a club, and standing in front of it are all of his buddies, campaign manager and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, hug him and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (another Republican), a chummy guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that time is up all too soon. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting.

“Time to visit Heaven.”

So 24 hours pass with the ex-head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They are having a good time in their modest way and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another one in Heaven. Now choose where you want to be for eternity.”

Our ex-head of state reflects for a minute, then answers, “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful and all, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.* He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to the ex-head of state and lays an arm on his neck.

“I don't understand,” stammers our ex-head of state. “When I was here yesterday, there was a golf course and club, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now all I see is this wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

*It may not be necessary to go to Hell to experience this. Just give these leaders and their cronies a few more years, and Earth will look like this.

Alles um den Samurai

Beim Herumschlendern in Stuttgart heute Abend sah ich auch ins Schaufenster einer Buchhandlung und stellte erstaunt fest, dass es ein kleines Regal von Literatur mit der Berufsbezeichnung Samurai im Titel zu geben scheint. Als da sind:

• Der Weg des Samurai
• Liebesspiele der Samurai
• Die Geliebte des Samurai
• Die sieben Tugenden des Samurai
• Das hölzerne Schwert der Samurai
• Die Stunde des Samurai
• Tiger Oma Samurai
• Führen wie ein Samurai
• Der Rubin des Samurai
• Der Samurai von Savannah
• Lebe wie ein Samurai

Wer's nicht glaubt, dass es all das gibt, mache sich bei Amazon auf die Suche. Da wird eine fast unerschöpfliche Latte diverser Werke angezeigt.

Allerdings scheint mir vom markttechnischen Gesichtspunkt her das Thema noch bei weitem nicht ausgeschöpft zu sein. Ich könnte mir vorstellen, dass man bei kräftiger Ankurbelung der Produktion, entsprechender Werbung und einem geeigneten Medienblitz ohne Weiteres dafür sorgen könnte, dass jeder Buchladen eine Samurai-Abteilung bekommt. Es folgen nur einige wenige Titelvorschläge, die sich eignen könnten:

• Die Samuraiin (voll im Trend der Päpstinnen, Gewürzhändlerinnen, Marketenderinnen usw.)
• Die drei Ringe des Samurai
• Der Samurai in Mittelelbien
  
• Der Samurai und der Feuerkelch
• Der Samurai und die Zauberin Hermione
  
• Der Samurai und seine süße Geliebte
• Der Samurai und sein geheimer Geliebter
• Der Samurai schafft Ordnung (Verfilmung mit Clint Eastwood oder Jackie Chan als Samurai)
• Stirb langsam wie ein Samurai (Verfilmung mit Bruce Willis)
• Basic Samurai Instinct (Verfilmung mit Sharon Stone)
• Der Samurai und der Marlboro Man
  
• Der Samurai greift an (Verfilmung mit Joachim Fuchsberger oder Til Schweiger)
  
• Der Samurai-Code
• Der Samurai und das letzte Abendmahl
• Die esoterische Schulung des Samurai
  
• Der Samurai in Ägypten (könnte der erste Band einer Krimiserie sein, weitere Bände etwa "Der Samurai auf Atlantis", "Der Samurai am Titisee", "Der Samurai am Titicacasee", "Der Samurai in Niedersachsen", "Der Samurai im Ruhrgebiet")
• Drei Wochen Toscana mit dem Samurai
• Per Samurai durch die Galaxis
  
• Samurai, Wellness und Feng Shui
• Makrobiotisch kochen wie ein Samurai
  
• Drei Freunde und der Samurai
• Pippi Langstrumpf und der tapfere Samurai
• Batman, Spiderman, Superman und der Samurai
• Etc.
  

Interessierte Verleger mögen sich bitte melden. Ich bin gerne bereit, diesen Marketingplan im Sinne eines umfassenden Merchandising zu vervollständigen (Samurai-Artikel und -Zubehör) bzw. ähnliche Marketingpläne auch für andere Berufe zu entwickeln.

Mutations of Viagra / spam discovers linguistics

Some drug peddling spammers are getting awfully inventive. Here's what reached me today from Antoinette Bray with the subject "Brother who had been":

Vaigrra S0tf Tabs 4. 12
Propeoica 1. 03
Caildis 5. 65
Geneeirc Vayigra 3. 58
Levttira 11. 98
Pajxil 2. 07
Ambvien 2. 84
Lormazepam 1. 79
Xanwax 2. 83
Zoloyft 1. 12
Purce Natrtual Hoonda 39. 97
Cllohmid 1. 88
Hooiqda Patnch 43. 34
Lipvtior 2. 20
Laslix 0. 53

Some of these mutations have great literary/linguistic potential. If Lovecraft were alive, I'm sure he'd use some.

"Pajxil" = Mayan?
"Caildis" = Celtic?
"Xanwax" = new brand name for waxed dental floss product in Germany?
"Hooiqda Patnch" = Sanskrit-based Indic language?
"Propeoica" = lost play by Aristophanes

But the "Purce Natrtual Hoonda" is the best of all, some Nahuatl thrown in with Japanese as far as I can tell.

Thanks, Tony (who ever you may be), for not giving up on me after thousands of similar mails failed to get me hooked on any of these drugs.

Emery Felix tells me I have a history

Thanks, Em!

Here's what he wrote:

Your history shows that your last order is ready for refilling.

That kind of history kind of surprised me ... but perhaps I shouldn't be surprised in this age of identity theft. I've probably got more histories than I will ever know apart from the various ones I know of or have actively created.

Generally speaking, though, I'm still surprised - even after years of receiving unsolicited mail, as this junk is called politically correctly - that anybody would get in touch with me, tell me a blatant lie right off the bat and then expect me to hurry to their store and leave money there even though they do their damndest to make sure that nobody can find out who they're doing business with.

Does spam make any sense?

I don't think anybody in his right mind thinks it does.

And yet there seem to be enough brazen shysters out there that believe they can make a buck by sending out millions of unwanted advertisements to millions of people who definitely do not want each and every one of those millions of unwanted advertisements.

This appears to be as great a conflict of interest as there has ever been.

Spammers, do you realize that you are collecting crushing wrath and millions of bad karma points every time you send out one of those spam mails? This has got to be bad for your health. I'd worry about it if I were you.

Poetry mail from Madelyn Conner

Madelyn Conner (scosmic@mbmusa.net) is an online drug peddler. Like many of her brothers and sisters with their lofty names - every bit as sonorous as those of the authors of trashy novels - she resorts to fragments that might qualify as "modern literature" to beat spam filters:

of girl. I should have liked to know her. Good night, young him not - drank it, and fell dead. It was too old for him. It He bites. There was one boy - a certain J. Steerforth - who cut good deal though I was much less brave than Traddles, and nothing

Good-bye, Younghimnot! What sad fate to befall one.

No doubt we shall hear about that (un)certain J. Steerforth and Traddles and what became of him (her?) in future spam.

And who is the elusive "I" of the poem?